Why hello there. It's been a long forever since I've written
and I'm really sad about that because some truly heinously embarrassing things
have happened. But alas, here I am.
I have great news. An update really.
I NO LONGER LIVE IN A
DORM. What?! Yes. Yes, it's true. No folks, I did not get kicked out of
college. I have officially moved up in the world (literally) to the good ole
apartment complexes. And life is grand. I also have a bike which is also pretty
monumental.
The thing about this apartment of mine is that it is on the
top floor. Now this, dear reader, is wonderful news. It means I have this
charming balcony that overlooks the parking lot. (However it is not charming
enough to keep a squash plant alive. Don't even try. Doesn't matter how much
you tell it nice things and give it cute names and shove Miracle Grow down its
roots, the things refuse to live and that causes a lot of distress, okay. RIP
Squishy.)
 |
| All that's left of my beloved squash plant. |
Anyway. It's wonderful and I sit there like an old person sipping my
coffee and watching the cars all come and go. But this creeping headquarters
comes with a massive drawback. I can see out, but rarely do people look up and
see me. Now, what I have failed to mention before is that this little parking
lot area is couples central. Lovey dovey touchy feely people walk on by holding
hands and laughing while I have to sit and pretend I don't notice and pretend
I'm not gagging. (Okay, I'm not gagging. I'm dying of jealously and sometimes
would like to shout out and ask how they met. You could see how this could get
emotionally taxing.)
One evening while I was playing "Count the
Couples" (just kidding, that's not a real thing) these two star-struck people walk RIGHT SMACK in front of my balcony. And stay there. They don't see me. Things I noticed:
1. They are not a real couple
(yet). They are acting extremely uncomfortable and come super close to holding
hands, then awkwardly don't.
2. They look so nervous it's making me nervous.
3.
They want to kiss right in stinking front of me.
And obviously it's for the
first time. There is nothing more uncomfortable about a first kiss than
watching one. And without the people knowing you're watching. That puts you at
creep status.
Do I start blasting Norah Jones, or watch in silent horror? I
started sweating as I debated how much time I had before they went in for it.
Not long. She was getting closer to him. Oh good, she lost her nerve. They both
backed away. I tried to just avert my eyes, but it was like watching a car
crash, you want to look away but you can't. By now, the uncomfortable level has
reached a new height. I wait, and try to just pretend that this isn't happening.
My poor self must not have been able to take it anymore. They got closer. I let
out a pitiful cough.
I'm not sure whose eyes were bigger, hers or mine. The cough
didn't even sound convincing, it just sort of came out before I had really
decided that's what I was going to do. The girl's head shot straight up. I sunk into
the chair as far as I could and pulled my head back until I was probably making
like five double chins. I could only see the tops of their heads and I
was just waiting for someone to call up to me and tell me what a horrendous
person I was. Instead I heard whispering. I could only imagine. "Um hey,
yeah, baby, this first kiss thing would have been great and all and helped with
this horrible nervous tension thing going on, but there's a total freak up on
that balcony and we need to leave ASAP." He must have listened because I've
never seen two people dart across a parking lot like that before.
BUT HEY,
GUESS WHAT. THEY WERE FINALLY HOLDING HANDS.
Yes, it was traumatizing on both
ends. Painful even. But in the end, they jumped past the hurdle of hand-holding. And I think my balcony can reasonably take credit for that.
The end.
